Kindness vs. People Pleasing

One is beneficial, esteem bolstering and needed, the other is detrimental to confidence, energy draining and increases feelings of worthlessness.

You can easily see why it's important to understand the differences. Let's clarify:

No one can deny that what the world needs more of now is kindness. Acts of kindness can range from simple gestures, like a smile or a kind word, to more significant actions that positively impact individuals or communities. Kindness has the power to counteract and even completely eradicate negativity, it contributes to a positive and inclusive environment, in the workplace, at home, or in the world at large. It helps create a culture of respect and cooperation and research suggests that acts of kindness can have positive effects on physical health, including lower blood pressure and improved heart health and a reduction in stress and anxiety levels. Helping others can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment and it contributes to personal growth and a sense of purpose while building self-esteem, confidence and warding off depression. No acts of kindness is too small and those acts create a ripple effect. When someone experiences kindness, whether giving or receiving, they are more likely to pass it on to others, creating a positive chain reaction in relationships and communities.

People Pleasing refers to a behavior where an individual goes to great lengths to satisfy and gain the approval of others, often at the expense of their own needs, desires, and well-being. People-pleasers are driven by a strong desire to be liked, accepted, and avoid conflict. It is often confused with kindness primarily by people who suffer with feeling of inadequacy, trauma survivors, are prone to depression or chronic low self-esteem or have substance use disorders. While the intention behind people-pleasing is often rooted in a desire to maintain positive relationships, the main goal lies much deeper. People pleasers derive a false sense of validation from acts of selflessness and giving. The more your sacrifice, the better. There is an enormous expectation tied to the response of the person we have "sacrificed" for. Of course, that expectation is rarely met resulting in negative and often debilitating consequences, including resentment, disappointment, sadness, depression, and a loss of one's authentic self.

There is help & hope

You are NOT alone. I found support, guidance, direction and love in the rooms of al-anon. There is also a program called CODA which helps people that suffer with co-dependency issues and SLAA which stands for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. There is help. Reach out! Below are steps to help you identify unhealthy behaviors and enact change into your life:

Overcoming people-pleasing is a two-step process

The first step is recognizing the behavior. People-pleasing behavior can be identified through signs such as:

• Excessive Agreeability: Always saying "yes" to avoid conflict, even when it goes against personal preferences.

• Fear of Disapproval: An intense fear of disappointing or upsetting others, leading to a constant need for approval.

• Neglecting Personal Needs: Prioritizing others' needs over your own, often at the expense of your well-being.

• Difficulty Saying "No": Feeling compelled to say "yes" even when it's inconvenient or detrimental to your own priorities.

• Excessive Apologizing: Apologizing excessively, even for minor things, to maintain a positive image in others' eyes.

Into Action

The second step is enacting behaviors that help you stop people pleasing through directing your focus onto yourself and off of others.

Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your own needs, values, and the impact of people-pleasing on your life.

Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. Learn to say "no" when necessary. This can be a very hard one to do. I like to remeber, "No is a complete sentence."

Prioritize Self-Care: Focus on self-care activities that bring joy and relaxation. Prioritize your own well-being without guilt.

Build Self-Confidence/Self Esteem: Acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments. I remeber asking "How does one build self-esteem?" The answer? Esteemable acts! Acts you do without the expectation of praise or acknowledgement. For fun and for free.

Practice Assertiveness: Learn to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs assertively using "I" statements. Stand firm in your decisions.

Tolerate Discomfort: Accept that setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable initially. Sit with those feelings. Feel them, process them, understand them so you can move through them and move into a healthier space. Focus on the long-term benefits of self-authenticity.

Seek Support: Share your journey with friends, family, or a therapist who can provide understanding and encouragement.

Challenge Approval-Seeking Behavior: Reflect on the need for external validation. Shift your focus from seeking approval to aligning with your values.

Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate small victories in overcoming people-pleasing. Recognize that change is a gradual process.

When I began my journey into addressing my people pleasing 18 years ago now, I was so confused about how to start implementing these behaviors into my life. Someone brilliantly described it like this, "Have you ever golfed? You know when you’re standing on the tee trying to get your body into the proper position to take your first swing? Head down, knees slightly bent, hands aligned along the club shaft, one arm bent, the other straightened. It feels incredibly awkward, if not downright uncomfortable. That is exactly how it feels to implement these changes in behavior into your life. In fact, that's how you know you’re doing it right!" I have carried this analogy with me for all these years and I often refer to it when I am facing an uncomfortable situation.

A few things I want to leave you with if you relate to the issues presented in this newsletter.

Firstly, anytime you begin new things, it takes time to get into a flow. Go slow, give yourself the time and space to grow and evolve. There will be setbacks but Keep Going!

Lastly, and this one is important.....

When people pleasers stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased.