Living in"5"

I have always been a bit of an extremist in my thoughts, mindset, and actions. I would eat super healthy, to the point of unrealistic restrictions OR I would eat ALL the cake! I’d overschedule myself and go-go-go till I had nothing left. Complete and total exhaustion! Then I'd need to crawl into bed for a full day to recharge, restore, and escape. This is known as All-or-Nothing Behavior also known as Black-and-White Thinking. It is a cognitive distortion characterized by viewing situations in extremes with little to no middle ground. Let’s look at what causes this mindset, and how we can cultivate a more flexible and realistic mentality and balance our minds, health, and lives.

I dated a guy some years back who, months into our relationship, noticed I was very All or Nothing. I attempted to explain the way I operated. I said, “I seem to exist at 0 - where I am asleep or 10 - where I am flying around doing everything, with my hair on fire.” I told him my goal was 5. The middle. Which I seemed to never be able to get to. I imagined what it would feel like to not need to do everything right then, right there, perfectly. A calmer approach to life. Freeing. So, one morning we had a big breakfast. I had to leave for a meeting right after. He assured me he'd deal with the dishes and clean up. I returned home 2 hours later and everything was exactly the way we'd left it. Dirty dishes everywhere. I hear the TV in the bedroom and walk down the hall to find him propped up in bed, his arms outstretched across the backboard. I said, "I thought you were gonna clean the kitchen?" He said, "This is what 5 looks like." This was hysterical and hit me right between the eyes. He was right. It was no big deal but, it really bothered the crap outta me. Why couldn't I just relax? The extremes were NOT working for me, I needed to figure out how to get to 5. My mental health and physical well-being were riding on it.

I used to think I had this way of thinking and operating because I was an alcoholic. Data shows this is not exclusive to individuals with alcoholism, but it can be observed with a higher prevalence in those with addiction.

Causes/Factors

Several factors contribute to the development and reinforcement of this type of thinking. Do you relate to any?

Perfectionism: People with perfectionistic tendencies may set unrealistically high standards for themselves. Anything short of perfection is perceived as a failure, reinforcing an all-or-nothing mindset. (Um, yeah!)

Fear of Failure: The fear of failure can lead individuals to see any outcome other than complete success as a total failure. This fear may stem from societal expectations, personal insecurities, or past experiences.

Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may struggle with self-acceptance. Seeing things in extremes allows them to avoid shades of gray and maintain a simpler, albeit more negative, self-perception.

Cognitive Distortions: All-or-nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion, one of many irrational thought patterns. These distortions can be learned or influenced by environmental factors, upbringing, or social conditioning.

Lack of Coping Skills: Some people resort to all-or-nothing thinking as a coping mechanism when faced with stress or uncertainty. It provides a false sense of control and certainty, even if it is detrimental in the long run.

Rigid Belief Systems: Individuals with rigid belief systems may find it challenging to accept ambiguity or different perspectives. All-or-nothing thinking aligns with a black-and-white worldview, reinforcing pre-existing beliefs.

Social Comparison: Constantly comparing oneself to others can contribute to all-or-nothing thinking. If someone perceives others as being more successful, they may feel a heightened pressure to achieve perfection. (Compare and despair).

Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms: In challenging situations, some people resort to extreme thinking as a way to cope with stress. This can be a maladaptive strategy that provides temporary relief but hinders long-term problem-solving.

Traumatic Experiences: Past traumatic experiences can shape one's cognitive patterns. If a person has experienced extreme success or failure, they may be more prone to all-or-nothing thinking as a result.

Cultural and Societal Influences: Cultural and societal factors can contribute to the reinforcement of black-and-white thinking. Societal pressure to conform to certain standards may contribute to an individual's tendency to see things in extremes.

A prime example of almost every one of these listed causes/factors in action was my career path. I would take the most demanding jobs out there, that had glitz and some cache attached but paid abysmally. I'd go in doing 120%. Of course, a few months in, that level of output was unsustainable and would drop. Employers would not understand the decrease and view it as slacking and invariably, (along with other circumstances) I would be fired. I've been fired from so many jobs that I've lost count. I had no idea this cognitive distortion was the root of it all.

Understanding the underlying reasons for all-or-nothing thinking is crucial for developing healthier thought patterns.

Getting to the middle.

So, now that you know what can cause or contribute to this mindset, what can you do to balance this mentality and cultivate a more flexible and realistic mindset?

Set Realistic Goals: Break down larger goals into smaller, more achievable steps. This allows for progress without the pressure of an all-or-nothing outcome.

Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate small victories along the way. Recognizing progress, no matter how minor, can help shift focus from an all-or-nothing perspective.

Learn from Setbacks: Instead of viewing setbacks as complete failures, see them as opportunities for learning and growth. Analyze what went wrong, adjust your approach, and use the experience to improve.

Practice Mindfulness: Stay present and focus on the current moment. Mindfulness can help reduce anxiety about future outcomes and prevent dwelling on past mistakes.

Adjust Expectations: Be realistic about what you can achieve within a given timeframe. Setting overly ambitious expectations may contribute to an all-or-nothing mindset.

Embrace Imperfection: Understand that perfection is often unattainable. Embrace imperfections and recognize that mistakes are a natural part of the learning and growth process.

Seek Support: Share your goals and challenges with friends, family, or a support network. Having others to encourage you and provide perspective can be invaluable. I love hearing how other people navigate things.

Flexible Thinking: Challenge rigid thinking patterns. Consider alternative perspectives and be open to adjusting your approach as needed.

Focus on the Process: Shift your focus from solely outcome-based thinking to the process itself. Enjoy the journey and the effort you put into achieving your goals.

Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that everyone faces challenges and setbacks. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend. (This is key for me! I tend to be so incredibly hard on myself but seem to offer unlimited kindness to friends. It has taken work to allow myself the same kindness.)

Tiny Tip: Please remember that achieving balance takes time (for me, YEARS) and practice. I heard a saying years ago that stuck with me, “The peaks and valleys of our lives become gentle rolling hills.” Meaning, that as time progresses, if you take action, you get comfortable and more accustomed to balance. I no longer feel the need to live in those extremes. I eat healthy without the extremes. I work out consistently but not to the point of killing myself. Developing a more nuanced perspective can lead to greater overall well-being and success and bring mental, physical, and emotional health.

If you need more help, Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is one approach that can guide individuals to challenge and change these patterns by promoting more balanced and realistic thinking. This is done with a trained professional.

My approach was trial and error and years of practical application (though professional guidance would have been a huge benefit). I share my experience as a means of identification. Not as the solution. If you’re struggling, please seek help. You don’t have to do anything alone.

Questions or comments: sandy@flynnholistic.com